what day is it?

Lots of changes in my life.

I intend to become The Crochet Queen.

That’s all for now.

I like me

I am cute, am I not?

You know why I like me so much? Because God likes me. God says to me, “You are perfectly adorable the way you are. You can be bratty, spoiled, whiney, disrespectful and disobedient- but you’re still adorable. And I like you.”

God likes me even when I don’t act adorable. Gosh, he’s so nice it makes me blush.
If God likes me, then I figure I’m allowed to like me too. And if I like me, then that makes me confident and secure.

I absolutely adore being adored.

because I haven’t been writing lately

For almost 8 years, I have been faithful to write in my journal regularly. These past few months I haven’t written as much as I normally do. I haven’t picked up my journal in at least three weeks or so. That’s a long time.

I discovered that I quit writing as much because I was talking so much. All my life I’ve been sort of a loner and writing in my journal was the one place I felt safe to express myself. Then came along two people who actually listened to me. They WANTED to listen to me. And after spilling everything out to them, I found it tedious to write down the same things in my journal.

Robert has been here for a while now… I haven’t even been paying attention to the calendar, I don’t know how long he’s been here. He came for Thanksgiving and was supposed to leave a week later. Then I started having health issues and he decided to stay a few more weeks to be with me. I’ve been laying around the house for almost two weeks. Why would I write in my journal? Robert is here, who cares about recording my life? I’m living life now, I don’t need to record it.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this. Perhaps this is my “journaling” that I’ve neglected. In a sense, Robert staying here is a big waste of money. But in another sense, how could finally spending real time with each other be a waste of money? Our relationship has been over the phone for months. He’s a real human being now, not just a voice coming out a little box every night. He’s much better in person. It’s nice to be able to look in his eyes and see his smile and hold his hand. It’s nice to wake up in the morning and know I’m going to see him when I get out of bed. And it’s nice to have him take care of me. I hate what I’m going through right now, my body is very unhappy and it’s been physically, emotionally, and mentally taxing on me. I don’t want to go through this, not now or ever. But God has a knack of digging out diamonds from the dark caves of our lives. If I wasn’t going through it, Robert would have gone back home already and I wouldn’t have all this time to spend with him. And I wouldn’t have learned how committed and loving he is. This man would really do anything for me. If I need something, he gets it for me. I think he lives to see me smile. I’ve been a gross mess for a while now- greesy hair, tshirts, gym shorts, red sores all over my body (the newest one are on my lips! yipee!)… and at least 10 times every day he looks at me with adoring eyes and a smile and says “You’re so beautiful.” Hahahahahaahaha- the man means it! If it ain’t love, then it’s insanity… and love and insanity sometimes seem interchangable terms. Either way, he loves me no matter what. He loved me even when I broke up with him and treated him rather unfairly. He loved me when I cried over the phone and said I couldn’t live without him. He loved me and took me back, he loves me when I’m scared, when I’m angry, sad, depressed… on stage, off-stage, on good days and bad days, when my hair is clean and my clothes are nice, when my hair is stringy and my lips are swollen, when I’m in my right mind and when I start losing it. He’s there when I’m smiling, when I’m frowning, when I’m laughing, when I’m crying. He loves me. He’s there for me, through everything. Good gracious, I didn’t know there were men like him.

The only reason I’m able to write this blog is because he’s out running errands with my mother right now. When he’s home, he’s always at my side.

I’ve watched so many movies in the past week… I rarely watch movies. But I’m becoming acquainted with Cary Grant. I like him. And Audrey Hepburn is so classy. She has a nice voice. And Bill Cosby is pretty funny at standup comdy.

My sister Joy is here. She makes everything more joyful. Joy to the world.

I need to answer the phone now.

what matters

There are only few things in life that really matter. And those few things matter an enormous deal. If you have everything in the world except those few important things, then everything you have means nothing. But if you have those important things, then everything else you receive is a wonderful blessing.

I have always known this on the surface, felt it ring true deep down in my soul- but never quite experienced it the way I understand it now. All these things I have- all these things I think I need- they are not priority nor are they necessities. When your health isn’t up to par, you start seeing just how much all these things don’t matter.
I’ve got Jesus. He’s the ultimate thing to be thankful for. Jesus, who paid my way to the throne of God- he who has made it possible for me to have a relationship with my Creator. Without this, NOTHING means a thing.
I’ve got people who love me, my family and my fiance. They are my support, encouragement, joy, happiness- they make this life worth living. I’ve got a man who would do anything for me. A lot of people say they love you and that they’d do all these things for you, but Robert actually means it. Because he’s been doing it for months and he’s doing it overtime right now. He’s been spending all his time, resources, and energy just to help me get better. He’s sacrificing everything to be with me right now and take care of me. That’s love.

Nothing else really matters but love. If you have love, you are the richest person in the world. Money can’t buy you satisfaction, and it can’t buy you love. I am soooooooooooooooooo thankful right now for all the love I have been so generously blessed with. My God is a good God who loves me and blesses me with others who love me. That’s all that really matters.

sensitive

It’s becoming more and more apparent to me that I’m extremely sensitive.

Keep your emotion away from me, I eat it and spit it right back out at you (and whoever happens to be in my way at the moment).

It causes me to sorta connect with people on their level rather than mine. However, it’s not my level and I have no responsibility or authority to deal with your level.

It’s a lot to deal with at times. Every memory, every conversation. My soul is like velcro. Everything that touches it gets stuck. Sometimes it takes an hour to get it off me. Sometimes days. Sometimes months. And sometimes years. Sometimes I never quite recover.
It’s easy to assume I could just figure out how to not let things touch me. But I can’t. Because it’s in my nature to be touched. I am touchable. Hahaha. I’m the sensitive side of God, the empathetic side of God. Don’t expect me to be a fighter, don’t expect me to be tough and unbreakable.

And because of this, I have to realize there are other people who are the same way. And I shouldn’t critisize them in my mind for being “weak” and “wussy”. Grace, they are simply counting their losses in the same way you do. They take time to process change and adapt to the new.

People like me get very tired. People like me don’t always get along with me. Too much emotion, jabberjabberjabber too much. People like me need people who aren’t like me. We need tough people to balance us out. Thank God for Robert, sheesh. He let’s me be my sensitive and emotional self, but keeps me close to his side when I start to get carried away.

I’m just starting to blabber on now, much like my emotions I’m trying to express.

For worse

For better or for worse.
For better or FOR WORSE.
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE…

In sickness, insanity, and stupidity;
through bad decisions and poor judgments;
in the midst of sin and shortcomings;
during disagreements and misunderstandings:
I’ll stand by you through the worst. Because love is a verb, not just a feeling. It’s a commitment. There’s no loophole, there’s no back door through which to slip out.

God has loved us. For better and for worse. Through our sickness and our health, through our riches and our rags, through our accomplishments and failures- His love is continuous and never-ending. We can be the most despicable scum of the earth, ugly in our sins, repulsive, bitter, and violent against Him- and yet He still loves us. We can chase after other lovers, defile our hearts and commit adultery against our Maker- and He still love us. He will always take us back.
Our God loves us, and He’s committed to us.
HE NEVER GIVES UP ON US.

This is the love we aim for- to give and to receive.
The greatest demonstration of love is to stick with someone when they are unlovable. And perhaps that person will never love you back. You may spend the rest of your life loving your spouse who doesn’t deserve it and will never give back to you. It may seem like an utter waste, but you are honoring God with such an action. As He loves us, we ought to love one another- most especially the ones we are joined to in marriage, the ones whom we have committed to for better or for worse.

It’s that simple. It can be terribly hard, but I believe it’s really that black and white simple. Quitting should never be an option. Leaving should never be an option. If it is, then your marriage is pointless and your commitment means nothing.

Dear God in heaven, teach me how to love. Teach me sacrificial love, how to lay down my own desires- my very life- for another. Teach me how to love even when it hurts. I want to love the way You do.

I’m wonderful

There is a truth I now know that I was once blind to.
Guys have always been interested in me.
Ha!
Funny, right?
I went through my teenage years thinking that no guy was interested in me. Somehow this idea that I was unwanted got planted in my brain and it sprouted and grew out my ears and eyes. I have no idea why I believed it. Because, as I read through all my old journals, I discover that throughout the years, there have been an insane number of male-folk interested in me as a lady-folk. There’s more than I could probably count right now. And this past year I’m finally seeing that I’m not the ugly duckling. I didn’t take off my glasses one day and suddenly everyone noticed I was pretty. No. I don’t wear glasses. I never have.

I’m engaged now. To a darling human being. There have been times I can’t understand why he makes a big deal out of me, like he just won the lottery. Last night, as I was 92% asleep, I heard his voice say through the phone, “You really don’t realize how wonderful you are, do you?” I responded, “mummbm.” (I fell asleep not long after that).
No Robert, I guess I’ve never realized how wonderful I am. I don’t know if it’s because I’m afraid of becoming prideful, but I’ve never thought I was worthy enough of anyone’s affections. I mean, in a sense, I’ve always thought I deserved love and someone to live and fight for me. But to actually be confronted with an individual who would give anything to be with me, I guess I don’t really believe it. Apparently, I’ve never believed it, because if I did, I wouldn’t fight the idea.
But I’m starting to believe it now.

I am wonderful. And honestly, I don’t think I’d have ever figured it out without his love to prove it to me.

“It is in the lover that the beloved tastes of her own delightfulness.” -C.S.Lewis

nice

Some people are nicer than me. There’s a difference between toleration and genuine acceptance. Too often I simply tolerate and smile.

new every morning

RECENT REALIZATION:

I write and think much better in the morning. The longer the day drags on, the more cluttered and tired my mind becomes. Weekends are such blessed things… to wake up lazily and then start writing with a fresh brain. I wish every morning was Saturday morning…
So tomorrow morning, I know exactly what I will be doing… finishing up the thoughts I had THIS morning that I can’t finish tonight.

come and fill this place

(September 26, 2009)

Come and fill this place
paint the void inside
crush this heart of stone
until the red life flows

Bring movement to the stagnant
stir the waters, oh Spirit
lift a melody out of the static
speak to the void
let there be light

Light of love
carry me from
the dark of the deep
light me higher
carry me

Every moment is a song,
dance louder
shatter, scatter the darkness

Come lift us up,
we are reaching, reaching
reaching for your love

It’s your love that set the planets in motion,
my heart to orbit yours
Oh love, oh love
the wonders you have done
the space that keeps my atoms together
is the strength and gravity of your love

Come dance over us
heaven, invade our space
and we will dance beneath
your love’s gravity
your love’s canopy